6 months Home

We're home 6 months now. I feel like I just wrote that last blog post titled, "One month home." A couple of weeks ago, my husband asked me if I was still blogging. In other words, he doesn't read my blog...thanks hon! ;) I told him that I hadn't in a long time. He encouraged me to start again, as he knows more than anything it is therapeutic for me. He was right. The truth is, I haven't made the time to sit and write, because there isn't much spare time. For most of us, the time is usually never just available, we have to make the time, schedule the time, be intentional about the time.

Staying home with the 4 kids, my days all start to blend together between home school and housework. My mind is a never ending reel of little children's voices all day... many times sweet, but lets be honest, most of the time it's whining and fighting among the siblings. This is just the stage of life we are at right now with a 6, 5 and two 4 year olds in a tiny house and together 24/7. That's ok, This is the life I have chosen and I really couldn't envision it any other way. I am blessed beyond measure! As someone once told me, "The days are long, but the years are short." I'm realizing that more and more lately, especially thanks to Facebook's "On this Day" posts. Thanks FB, you make me have baby fever and cry and laugh on a daily basis. 

I am also realizing more and more, that while I love being with my babies and pouring into them each day, I also need time for myself. I can easily forget that in order to pour out, I need to be filled up. For me, that means I need time in the Word and prayer, time with friends for fun, time with those who encourage and challenge me, time to be alone, time to do things I enjoy like write and read while I sip hot chai at my favorite coffee shop. I'm thankful that my husband recognizes that as well, and sends me for some alone time when I feel life getting a bit overwhelming. I'm learning to recognize when I can feel myself about to go crazy and I try to plan accordingly to get out...hence why I am writing this blog post. I must say, man it feels good to sit here and tap thoughts out on a keyboard, without a little one tugging at my shirt. That is where I am after 6 months, trying to figure out balance for myself as wife, mom and just Angie. But, you didn't come here to read about me, let's get to Mav!

He is doing phenomenal! Y'all, I really can't believe how far he has come in 6 months. He has blossomed so very much. His language, his ability to listen and understand, his adjustment to our family and routine, his self control. He's a different kid y'all, with all of the wonderful characteristics of Maverick, like his totally silly personality, his determination that he is capable to conquer anything in front of him, his super snuggle skills, his compassion when someone else is crying, I could go on and on. He is a darling and a stinker all at once. I'm not even kidding either, he gets cuter by the day! Some days are still hard and I don't expect everything to be perfect after 6 months, but everything feels more normal now. It feels like he has always been here. 

He has his upcoming cleft palate surgery in about a month. It turns out that he did have palate surgery in China when he was about a year, but the back part of it re-opened and that is why his palate still did not look quite right. We met with a cleft specialist team and they are confident in moving forward with the surgery. As his mama, I am a nervous wreck. We will spend one night in the ICU and 2 additional nights in the hospital. His arms will have to be restrained, as to not do any damage after the surgery. It will be followed by several weeks of a soft diet. I would be nervous with any of my children having to go through this, but with a child who has experienced trauma before, I am even more so. I am however thankful that this time around, he has a Mama and Daddy to comfort him after surgery. He'll start speech therapy in the fall. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for him (and me) as surgery approaches.

We recently celebrated his 4th birthday and he was in heaven. He got to have 2 parties, 1 at home (a "Gwinosaur" one, as he says) and 1 in Texas (An Airplane one) with family there. He sang himself Happy Birthday everyday for 3 weeks. I think he truly felt special and very excited. He remembers the birthday that we sent him in China, fondly. He LOVED opening gifts and would ask "That's for me?" and when we would say "yes" he would respond with a "YAY!" It was such a joy to celebrate his first birthday as a family. I loved doting on him and knowing that though we missed his first 3 birthdays, God willing, we have so many more to look forward to. A super special part of his birthday was receiving a video and gift in the mail from his foster brother, Joshua. He was so thrilled to open that gift. Of course he wanted to get on an airplane and fly to see Joshua right away. He doesn't quite understand why that is not a possibility in the moment. We are so very grateful to have a connection with such an awesome family, who adopted Joshua. We are making the effort to keep the boys connected as much as possible and hope to one day get them together in person again, despite the long distance between us. Those boys share a bond that he will never share with anyone else. 

While his birthday week was a  joyous one, it was also a somber one for Evan and I. We often thought of his birth family and what they must be feeling. What they felt the day he entered the world and they stared into those big dark eyes, how they felt when they discovered that he had cleft palate and realized that they likely could not care for him, how they felt leaving him soon after, hoping that he would get the care they couldn't provide, through the orphanage. Can you even imagine? My heart broke all over again for his mother. I know she must think of him often, but especially this time of year. I pray for peace for her. As Evan and I layed in bed and prayed over Maverick on his birthday night before we drifted off to sleep, He prayed words that pierced my heart so deeply. Words, that honestly, I had never even thought about until then. We have always prayed for peace for his birth mom, that somehow she would know he was ok and if she had any guilt, that she would experience forgiveness. But, my mighty man prayed that God would send someone to share the gospel with her, wherever she is. That she would accept Christ as her Lord and Savior, as would Maverick and that one day, Maverick and her would be reunited in Heaven. I am crying all over again just thinking about it. I pray with all my heart that one day that reunification can happen. All things made whole and new through Jesus! We also think about his foster mom, who poured so much love into him when we couldn't. We plan on trying to send her an update on him soon. I'm thankful that we are able to do that through our agency.

Overall, things are really good. Life is moving along and I am so thankful that we took that leap of faith and brought Maverick into our family. Honestly, I do not see us returning to China any time soon, as that trip was so hard, so so hard! It's going to take me a while to recover from that one. But, I find myself staring at pictures and watching videos of children waiting for families. I stayed up last night for a while searching for an update on one of the little ones that had tugged at my heart so hard, but had needs too great for our family to handle financially at the time. My heart is forever changed because of what I know and what I have seen. Because I have seen a little boy go from orphan to son. The difference that love, care, good nutrition and family makes is substantial. Those who have walked alongside us, can attest to this as well. God won't let me forget that and I don't ever want to. I can't wait to see how he continues to work in our family for his glory.

For now, I am so excited about supporting my friends, The Lomans, who are hosting a precious 5 year old girl with Down's Syndrome from China, this summer. Fu Yi will be living with them for one month and will be receiving some medical care while she is here. The Lomans are working hard to advocate for her and find her forever family. They are also doing fundraising in order to gift her family with a grant towards her adoption. I would love for you to follow her journey and pray about if YOU are her family or maybe someone you know is her family. Advocating for orphans is a crucial part of orphan care. Your support could help turn this precious girl from orphan to daughter. Hop on over to the Lomans FB page and see how you can get involved in Fu Yi's story. 

One Month Home

Wow! I cannot believe it has been a month since we arrived home at the airport with Maverick in tow. The 2 weeks in China and the trip home were rough to say the least. All 3 of our worlds had been rocked and we were all in survival mode. Needless to say, we were so glad to be home finally and start our new normal with our entire family of 6. Our dear friend, Matt, made this awesome video that documents bringing Maverick home.

It felt soooo good to be home and I felt like I was able to breathe again, at least for a day or two until reality set in. Seeing our other 3 kiddos after 2 weeks was the absolute best. Maverick now had automatic playmates after being with 2 adults in a hotel room for 2 weeks. He was more than excited! He needed playmates, as he is so very active! He walked around the entire house and backyard and just discovered everything there was to discover. The first thing he was intrigued by was the Mustang Power Wheels car. Today, it is still his favorite, even though he can't steer to save his life and just runs into everything at full speed...much like his personality!

The sibling relationships were hard at first. There were great moments and there were some really tough moments as all 4 kids learned to get used to one another. Honestly, there still are, but I am seeing bonds formed over time. Our youngest struggled the most as I think she had a pre-conceived idea of what he would be like and he wasn't a little snuggly baby, but a wild 3 year old who took over her place as baby in the family and took her toys. I am thankful to say that slowly, she is warming up to him. The big 2 kids have been so gracious and patient and kind with Maverick and truly taken him under their wing. It's a beautiful thing to watch. As I am typing this, I am watching all 4 of them run around the backyard laughing together. God is good and I look forward to seeing how these 4 will grow together throughout their lives.

Now here is where I am going to be brutally honest for a minute, because I think it is healthy and necessary to speak the truth, for myself and for other adoptive families who might be feeling the same way. The 2 weeks in China and the first 3 weeks home with Maverick were HARD! I will say that things actually did start to improve once we were home, but it was and still is a slow process. We did expect this. We did not walk into this naive, however knowing these things and going through them are very different,

We know that Maverick was in survival mode in China and acting out because he just had his world rocked, but we are also seeing aspects of his personality that are a little tough. We are learning how to navigate through those. The first couple of weeks, it was very hard to even  be around him. There were sweet moments of course, but overall, it was rough. I loved him because I have loved him from the day that we started praying for him. But, it was very hard to like him most days and many days I just wanted to be away from him. He was difficult, rude, wild, hyper active, wouldn't sleep, combative, mischevious and manipulative. Honestly, he was simply displaying typical behaviors of a child coming from his situation, but I was having a really hard time dealing with them, especially on top of taking care of the other 3 children who were also adjusting. I couldn't get anything done and I felt useless, unproductive and mentally, emotionally and physically drained and dry.

I would end many days in tears, as would Maverick, and I felt like I was living moment by moment, just trying to make it to the next step. I was jealous of the other adoptive families who brought home sweet little quiet & compliant babies. I will say, that I have NEVER regretted adopting Maverick or doubted God's plan. In fact, I knew He was using it to refine me. I knew this was what God had for our family and I knew that Maverick was supposed to be my son, but that doesn't mean it was smooth sailing. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through thus far, aside from the waiting process, but this was full on action!

We weren't getting much sleep and the days dragged on as I watched the clock, waiting for Evan to walk in the door so that I could get a moment to take a few deep breaths, cry and pray in silence. I made sure to stay intentional with loving on him and establishing routines and being consistent (even though some days I just did not want to), as I knew this would pay off in time and y'all it REALLY has.

About a week ago, through sobs and desperation, I prayed out for God to change MY heart. You see, God has a way of revealing just how much sin we have in our hearts when he puts us through the fire. I saw ugly spilling out of me that I didn't even know was there and I did not like it. I knew that despite my circumstances, my JOY needed to come from HIM, Maverick needed a mama like that. I was not able to handle this, but God was! I prayed for him to give me HIS eyes and HIS heart specifically for Maverick. For me to look at him the same way that I do my other kids. For me to long to be with him and love him, not just go through the motions because I knew it needed to happen.

You guys, God hears! I literally felt a HUGE switch in my heart overnight. The next day, I woke up with so much love overflowing in my heart towards my son. I started seeing him as MINE, the way I do with my kids who I birthed and nurtured from the very beginning. I look at him with eyes filled with compassion and honestly, as my baby. I cannot explain the switch, except to say that God knew my heart and He answers prayers. Don't get me wrong, we still struggle and some days I still want to cry, but it is all filtered through the grace and love of the one who created this mama and Maverick. The love that I now have for this boy, I just CANNOT explain! Sometimes I hold him and stare into his eyes and stroke his little cheek and I am overwhelmed with the flood of emotions that I feel towards him. I am honored and so glad that God chose Evan and I to be his parents. We look forward to leading and loving him through life, hand in hand, nurturing his little heart and pointing him towards the Father. Seriously, thank you Lord!

Looking back to where we were a month ago, I cannot believe how much progress he has made. Sometimes that is hard to remember in the day to day, but wow, big improvements y'all! He blows me away every day. He is so smart and learning so much. He is adjusting well to routine and praise the Lord, we are starting to get some sleep. I can tell he is developing a love for all of us, and that is mutual. He is understanding more and expressing himself so much better and in a healthy manner without breaking down crying and screaming every 5 minutes. He is learning some English words and using them appropriately, even without prompting. The other day, he said "Thank you Mama" after I gave him his food...I cried! He is hilarious and has a fun personality. He loves to dance, so he fits in perfectly in this family! He initiates prayer at the dinner table and wants snuggles from mama all of the time. He loves to curl up in my lap and look up at me when I sing to him. When he is hurt, he comes to us for comfort. He is trusting us more and more every day. He is also pretty dang adorable! Those eyes still have me and I could kiss his sweet face all day! God has just poured his grace out on all of us. He is doing a mighty work in Maverick and in us. It has been amazing to witness. He truly is a God of miracles!

We cannot wait to see how God continues to work, to mend and to heal. We pray that it continues to be all for HIS GLORY! Like I said before, we could not do this in our own power. This scripture has been so true in our lives as of late:

2 Corinthians 2:9
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

 He is faithful and He is good! We are so grateful that he brought Maverick into our family.
 When I look at this picture taken by my sweet friend, Amber, everything within me cries out praise to God! FAMILY...all 6 of us!

Meeting Maverick

Oh, where to start? So much has happened since we arrived here in China. Internet is spotty and our little one is NON STOP action, so I have not had a chance to post before now. First, let me say that the outpouring of love and support from home have been such an encouragement to us! I love that so many of you are excited to see Maverick with us. He certainly is a loved little boy!

We traveled 29 hours to get to China and had no problems getting here. The 15 hour plane ride was not one I was particularly fond of, and honestly am seriously dreading doing again with a 3 year old who cannot sit still! But, we will survive and we want to come home, so it must be done! We arrived in China around lunch and were greeted by our guide. She filled us in on our itinerary for the week in Zhengzhou and got us settled into our hotel. Our hotel is very nice and we unpacked and hit up Pizza Hut for dinner :) We came back to the hotel and CRASHED at 7 p.m. Our goal was to stay awake till around 11, so I would say we rocked that..haha! We tried to get a good night's sleep as we knew it would be the last one for a while...and boy were we right! I woke up around 3 a.m. from jet lag and the anxiousness of meeting Maverick. I got out of bed and down on my knees next to his crib and just started praying. I fell back asleep for maybe 30 minutes and Evan and I were up around 6:30. We enjoyed a killer breakfast at  the hotel. It felt like we were in New Orleans as they were playing jazz music...score! We got some caffeine in our system and felt like new people.

At 10 a.m. we met our guide downstairs in the lobby. The entire hour before I was pacing the floor and my insides felt like they were going to burst! Evan and I prayed and thanked God for calling us to bring Maverick into our family and being faithful. We prayed that he would attach well to both of us and just feel a sense of peace. Every emotion was sweeping through my body. Nervousness, excitement, joy, sorrow. I felt it all. I knew that day was going to be hard and beautiful all at the same time...and it was! We arrived at the civil affairs office packed with families waiting to meet their children. The room was stuffy and filled with anxious parents who were staring down the hall to see if the next child being brought in was theirs. I couldn't watch, but Evan did.

On our way to meet our boy!

The Civil Affairs Office where we met Maverick

All the families waiting to meet their kiddos. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I hear Evan say, "I see him, he's coming!" My heart dropped out of my chest and I tried to get a peek around the chaos of children, parents and care takers. That's when I saw him, walking down the hall, holding the hand of a lady in a red sweatshirt. Those big brown eyes were coming towards me. He was so little and so cute and he was about to be in my arms. Oh my goodness! He had on a blue backpack and way too many winter clothes for it being like 80 degrees.

As he approached the room full of American strangers and I tried to walk towards him, he began pulling the woman's hand back and trying to run away back the way he came. This was a good thing, although it hurt my heart to see him scared, I was thankful that he would not just come to a room of strangers. This is HUGE for attachment purposes, Many kids will go to anyone because they have never attached to someone and they will do whatever IT takes to gain approval from someone to get what they want. I walked towards my crying and scared boy and got down on his level. I told him hello and then I scooped him up. He was crying hard! There was so much chaos going on, that I wanted to escape. I quickly brought him to a corner of the room where we could be without everyone around. I sat him on my lap and tried to comfort him. He just kept crying. We had brought a bag full of snacks and suckers and Evan handed him his juice cup and some puffs. Immediately, he stopped crying, but you could tell he was still reserved. We looked through his backpack and the family had sent back our family photo album that we had sent to him, Where our family pic was, they had kept it and replaced it with a photo of Maverick and Joshua (his foster brother). When he saw that picture, he lit up. Suddenly he started talking like crazy! We can tell he really loves Joshua and they share a very special bond.

Grieving hard. The sucker was not working! He loves them now though! 

From that point on, he played with us and smiled and laughed. We completed our paperwork there and took our official adoption picture. He smiled so big and I of course was a sweaty hot mess, but I will treasure this picture forever! Our guide told us that we had 24 hours, called a harmonious period, where we could decide if we wanted to adopt him or send him back. Ummmm...say what? That was not an option, regardless of what he was like. We had committed to loving this boy and welcoming him into our family long ago, and we were not going back on that. We told her, we don't need 24 hours, disruption is not an option! She told us, if we were sure, that we could have adoption day later that day rather than wait until Tuesday. We said "yes, let's do this." She laughed at us. Actually, she laughs at us a lot. I guess we Americans are crazy or something.

His adoption family picture at the civil affairs office. Look at that smile!

After we left the office, we went straight to Wal-Mart to get some snacks and a stroller and basics that we needed. Maverick wanted EVERY snack! Go figure! He sat in the cart and just pointed, but was very well behaved. After Wal-Mart we went to a really yummy noodle restaurant with our guide. Let me just say, the boy can EAT and he is very self sufficient! He chowed down. This is where I also had the pleasure of taking him to a squatty potty. Thank you America for Western toilets...eek! Not fun, but thankfully, he has had no accidents and lets us know when he needs to go. Also, we have him wearing pull ups instead of split pants with nothing on underneath (thank you China!).

Later than afternoon, we went to complete the adoption and Maverick officially became our son! PRAISE GOD! An orphan no longer, forever ours and we are forever his! On our way to the notary, he crashed in my arms in the van. The boy was exhausted! We finally were able to come back to our hotel room where we got some downtime. We tried to give him a bath and he screamed! I was able to do a quick wash down while I got totally soaking wet. We put him in footie pj's, which he hated at first, but by the end of the night he was zipping up and down and loving them.

Last night, we realized just how active this boy is. He runs around non stop, jumping off of things and climbing anything he can. He is very mischievous and he knows it. We have been hit and kicked and pinched when he doesn't get his way, but we have also been laughed at, kissed and hugged. He has so much fun with his Baba and if one of us leaves the room to go to the bathroom, he is calling for us until we come back "Mama, Baba!" He did not want to go to bed last night. We even turned off all of the lights and tried to get him to settle. He still ran and climbed everything. He tried to pull curtains down and push all the buttons on everything in the hotel. He would not settle and began crying hysterically! We were worn out! I mean WORN! We tried everything to comfort him and he fought us tooth and nail. We couldn't put him in his bed because he can climb over the crib rails. Finally Evan put him in the baby position and held him so close he couldn't move and paced the room with him. He FINALLY settled and Evan stuck him in bed with me. He curled up with me and knocked out. Thank you Lord!

A few hours later he woke up screaming and crying. We are in a king sized bed and he kicked and flipped and punched us over and over. We tried to settle him and he wouldn't have it. He would curl up next to me eventually and fall asleep. This happened about 5 times in the night. We were told that he wakes up a lot at night, but this was intense. He either has night terrors or was grieving so hard. It could be a combination of both, We got very little sleep, but we survived, Once again, we were not shocked by any of this. This is typical behavior of a child losing everything.

This morning was a new day and he woke up happy. He grabbed his snack and juice and ran to the window to open it. We had a wonderful breakfast and the boy chowed down! We walked the city today and even got a Starbucks (Thank you Lord!). He was very partial to mama's frozen green tea frappuccino. He got a chocolate biscotti and sat in his stroller as we walked and got some air. It's hard to keep him tame in the room, although he has played with everything we have brought: balloons, balls, felt board, cars, etc.  He wants to go go go! He is uninterested in T.V or anything that involves sitting still.

Learning how to make balloon animals with Baba.

Mama gets lots of kisses

We went to take his passport picture today, which we will get on Friday. Tomorrow we are actually going to the orphanage and we hear we will get to meet the foster family. We are so excited and nervous about this. It could potentially set him back, but we know that we cannot miss an opportunity to learn more about his past. Please pray specifically for him tomorrow.  We are enjoying our time with him and he is bonding with us very well! We are so thankful for God answering our prayers in this way. 

China Itinerary

We leave tomorrow, well almost today!!!! We JUST finished packing and realized that one of our suitcases is busted...haha! We are on it! Thankfully, we do not fly out until the evening so we will have the morning to get some last minute stuff done, like buying new luggage (Good grief!)

Many of you have asked me what we will be doing in China for 2 weeks, so I thought that I would give a quick overview of what our time will look like.

Friday: Fly to China (with a layover in L.A.)

Sunday: (China time, which is actually your Saturday because we will be 13 hours ahead of the U.S.). We will arrive in Maverick's provincial City around lunch. We will meet our guide, go over our schedule for the week, maybe hit up Wal-mart for necessities and settle into our hotel. While we will likely want to sleep, we are going to try our very best to stay awake as long as possible to help with jet lag and get on China time.

Monday (your Sunday night): Family Day/Gotcha Day. We will meet Maverick at the Civil Affairs Office. This will be a very difficult day for him so extra prayers are appreciated. From this point on, he will be with us at all times. YAY!

Tuesday: Adoption Day at the Civil Affairs Office

Wednesday: Shopping & Sightseeing in Provincial City

Thursday: Visit the Orphanage where Maverick was for the first part of his life. This will be tough as well, but also good to see a part of his past.

Friday: Get Maverick's passport and fly to Guanzghou (where the U.S. consulate is). We will spend the 2nd week here and thankfully we will be staying at a hotel with other families from our agency who are completing their adoptions as well. Looking forward to meeting them all in person and seeing them with their kiddos. Hoping this will give Maverick some little friends to relate to as well.

Saturday: Maverick has to go through a consulate Medical Exam :(

Sunday-Tuesday: Likely do sightseeing & shopping & bonding time in hotel

Wednesday: Consulate Appointment & Evan's Birthday!

Thursday-Friday: More sightseeing/bonding in the hotel

Saturday: Fly out at 1:40 a.m. (YIKES!) and start the long trip back home!

Saturday in the U.S.: Arrive back home! YAY!

It's almost go time folks and we are so  excited! I wonder if I will get any sleep tonight...probably not!

A New Season: Attachment (FRIENDS AND FAMILY PLEASE READ!)

I cannot believe that we are leaving for China THIS week! 5 days and we will be on a plane heading towards our boy. I can hardly contain my excitement or my nerves. Everything we have dreamed of and prayed for the past 3 years is about to happen. It really feels surreal...maybe that is why my bags are still not packed (working on that).

I wanted to take some time to explain to you all what this next season will look like for us. We have such a supportive community of family, friends and even people we have never met. We know and trust that everyone will continue to be supportive and understanding once we are home with Maverick.

Over the last 2 1/2 years, Evan and I have gone through much training, read books & articles, asked questions, and corresponded with been there done that parents about bringing home an adopted child. We don't claim to be experts on any of this, because we have never experienced it first hand, but we are trusting in what we have learned from the experts, our agency and other families.

While we are all rejoicing over Maverick coming home, he will not be feeling the same way. As I have said before, he is about to be ripped from everything he has ever known...good or bad, it is what he knows. He has not been praying for us or wishing we would come take him to America or into our family. This is going to rock his little world! He will be confused and scared. It's going to take time for him to trust Evan and myself. We are, of course, praying for God to move in a supernatural way to form that bond fast with us, but we also know it is going to take work.

Part of building this trust is going through an attachment period called cocooning. Essentially this means that we will be keeping Maverick's world very small for a while when we get home. In order for him to learn that we are his forever family, Evan and I are his parents, we are never going to leave him, will tend to his needs and be his constant, we must establish some boundaries for a while.

What do these boundaries look like? For us, we have decided that means that we will not be leaving the house for a while and not having visitors for a time period. How long? We are not sure as that will be based on how Maverick is adjusting. That is so hard for me to type because I am such a social person and I thrive on being around my family and friends. However, we do not want to have people in and out during a very crucial time when Maverick is trying to figure out this whole family/mommy/daddy dynamic. This time period is focused on him and our family.

Evan and I will be the only ones to meet Maverick's needs. If he has a need, we will meet it immediately. In many ways, it is like having a newborn. Baby has a need, mommy and daddy meet it, baby begins to trust mom and dad. The cycle continues as trust and bonding are built over time. We did not get that time with Maverick as a baby. We have 3 years to make up for in the trust and bonding arena. This will take time and we are dedicated to sacrificing whatever we have to in order for our son and us to form these healthy bonds.

I heard it said before to think of healthy attachment as a circle that expands out. Initially, it will be the smallest circle, just our immediate family (the 6 of us). Then, once we feel like he is attached well and thriving, we will introduce the next circle in his life which would be our extended family who we are close with, a little at a time, from there the next circle would be close friends and so on. There is no telling how long it will take to achieve a healthy balance in each circle, and we are not putting a time constraint on any of them. We will follow Maverick's lead and ultimately do what is best for our family.

I realize that this will be hard, on us and on some of you. You have walked this road with us so intentionally and prayerfully. You have shared in our joys and in our struggles. You have supported us financially and through encouragement. It really has taken a village and you are our village. We are thankful for you! So, I get that you will want to be a part of his life and ours once he is home, and let me say that we want you to, it's just going to take some time. Please be patient with us! Please know that we are not trying to be rude when we have to turn down a visit or a phone call for a while. We still love you and we want you in our lives, but this is a season that we MUST be faithful to for the sake of our boy. This adoption journey does not end when Maverick is in our arms, or when that plane lands back in Louisiana. In fact, it will just be the beginning and will hold a whole new set of challenges and joys.

We are so thankful to those of you who have already planned on ways to help support us once we are home. We are excited to see so many faces of those we love welcome us and Maverick home at the airport. We can't wait to hug your neck at the end of a long trip. If you want to come to the airport and are not on our airport homecoming page, send me a message and I can add you.

We are also so thankful to all of you who have signed up to bring us a meal. I cannot tell you what a blessing this is to us and what a burden it lifts to not have to worry about cooking dinner while we fight jet lag and get adjusted. A million times THANK YOU!  If you are bringing us a meal, please be mindful to not pick up or love on Maverick. Once again, all affection needs to come from us for now. If you want to give him a gift, please give it to us and we will give it to him. Many adopted children have not learned to properly attach and therefore will go to anyone to gain favor, while others will be terrified of strangers. We don't know how he will react and that is why we take precautions and set boundaries. I know some of this may sound silly, but it is vital to attachment. Also, know that as much as we want to visit with you, long visits will have to come later on. Trust me when I say we will let you know when that time comes. While my husband is an introvert, I am an extrovert and I will need my tribe back around me as soon as possible!

We covet your prayers and encouragement as we get ready to enter into this new season of finally bringing Maverick Home! Thank you for taking the time to read this and for understanding. We love you all!

3 1/2 Years: Looking Back

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps
-Proverbs 16:9

I'm sitting here thinking about how our adoption journey has played out over the course of time. It has felt so long and yet I remember the start of it like it was yesterday. It has not been an easy road. We have worked our tails off in paperwork and fundraising, been excited, been discouraged, seen other families speed ahead and pass us by, been stretched,  been on our knees in prayer, felt loved, encouraged and challenged, felt supported, felt forgotten, questioned and praised. SO MANY EMOTIONS! It has certainly been a roller coaster ride, one that has made my stomach twist and turn at times and also one that I have raised my hands high and felt the wind whipping through my fingertips with excitement and expectation. But through it all, our eyes have been on HIM and we give all glory and praise to our Father, who has written this story in His timing, in His way, because His plan is always sovereign and always good, even when it is hard.

I wanted to go back and write out some of the highlights that have unfolded over the years through this adoption. It's so neat for me to look back now and see how God has worked in them, even when we felt discouraged and helpless. It makes me thankful! Thankful that He knows better than me, Thankful that He doesn't leave us in the valleys, but walks through them alongside us, then leads us up to the mountaintops. This ever constant up and down, this journey called life. He's always there!

• April 2012: Angie reads MB Chapman's Book, Choosing to See, and God starts laying adoption on her heart. She looks up Show Hope's website about grants for adopting families. Angie starts praying about what this could mean, certainly she is crazy! They have 3 kids under 3. Around the same time, Maverick is born and abandoned soon after in China.

• Spring-Fall 2012: Angie asks Evan to pray about possibly adopting a child. Evan says she is crazy and is not feeling the same way, but agrees to pray about it. Angie waits impatiently patiently as God makes it more clear to her.

• Fall 2012: Angie feels led to go on mission trip in Haiti in December. 

• December 2012: Angie heads to Haiti for mission trip and her world is rocked. Prays for God to break her heart for what breaks His. Comes home totally convinced the Spirit is moving in them to adopt. Approaches Evan about adoption again, who admits that he has not been praying, because He knows God is not going to say "Nah...Let somebody else adopt. You're good." Promises to ACTUALLY PRAY about this and seeks accountability and counsel about it.

• End of December 2012: Evan takes 2 week hiking trip on Appalachian Trail. Lots of time to think and pray. While Evan is gone, Angie writes her first journal entry to their son, because she is 100 % certain that Evan is coming home and saying "Let's do this."

• January 2013: Evan comes home from trip and confidently says "Let's do this!" Angie cries and jumps around living room like it is Christmas morning.

• February 2013: Submitted application to Lifeline Children's Services for their Ethiopia program. Open to a healthy child ages 0-3.  Home study conducted.

• February-December 2013: Insane amounts of paperwork, fundraising and training

• December 2013: Paperwork complete...Officially get on the wait list for Ethiopia at #164 (That is a crazy high number) Told this could be a 2 year wait.

• November 2014: Complete emotional exhaustion and frustration and confusion over such slow movement over the past year. Angie hits emotional breakdown. Unsure if we should stay put in Ethiopia for many more years (like 5-7 according to current movement) or switch countries or processes. Angie does obnoxious amount of research and is totally overwhelmed and burnt out. Angie and Evan agree to a season of prayer after some prompting from God and their case worker. Immediately they feel peace!

• December 2014: Agency sends us an invite to a webinar for Ethiopia families to transfer to the China program. We already know we don't qualify for China but sign up anyway. (What can it hurt?) During webinar we hear that in certain cases, waivers are offered to families willing to adopt from the special focus list (more moderate to severe special needs). We decide to apply for a waiver. If we are approved we take that as God opening the door in a new direction and we jump.

• January 2014: Approved for waiver to enter China program. Transfer to China program (Are we really doing this?) Feeling all kinds of nervous and excited! Update home study (for the 3rd time) Opened to a child ages 0-4 with special needs. By the end of the month, we are looking at our son's face and his file. We say "YES" to a sweet 2 year old with a congenital cleft palate. So in love...cannot breathe! Is this happening?

• February 2014: We submit our letter of intent to adopt Maverick and receive Pre-Approval. Lots of dancing and praising God in the kitchen.

• February-April 2015: Tons more paperwork. We find out that Maverick was in Show Hope's care for a time period while he was in the orphanage.  Show Hope will send us any information that they have on him once our adoption is complete. Apply for grant from Show Hope.

• April 2015: Maverick turns 3 in China. We send him a birthday party. First time to see him smile and get good video of him. We find out that he has lived in a foster family for the past year (Answer to prayer. That is more personalized attention and a family environment which will help him with adjustment once he is home)

• April-August 2015: More paperwork, more fundraisers, receive grant from Show Hope (the same organization that I looked up when this adventure started).

• July 2015: We connect with Maverick's foster brother's family while they are in China completing their adoption of Joshua. The boys will be able to stay in touch once home in the US. A piece of Maverick's past, always available to him!

• August 2015: We receive our official Letter of Approval to Adopt Maverick. Lots of dancing and praising God in the kitchen AGAIN. 

• September 2015: Waiting for Travel Approval.....We're coming Maverick! So in love...cannot breathe (again)! Is this happening?!?!

The Lord has done great things for us

 and we are filled with JOY!

-Psalm 126:3

This has been a long 3 1/2 years, but I KNOW God has been with us through it all. To walk down this memory lane and see how He was working the pieces together, the pieces that made no sense to us in the moment. To see how he began opening my eyes to adoption right when Maverick was being born on the other side of the world, to softening Evan's heart and confirming this call to care for the orphan, to how he grew us in our faith and what age and needs we were open to in the long wait in Ethiopia, to getting a waiver for a program that we did not qualify for, to connecting us to our sweet boy, who was actually in Show Hope's care at some point, to getting the Show Hope grant, to finding Maverick's foster brother, to bringing us here, ready to get on a plane to scoop up our little dude 10 months after we entered the China program. It's still all so surreal to me! All that I can say is THANK YOU LORD! Thank you for working on our and Maverick's behalf even when we could not see. "You're a good good father and perfect in all of your ways to us."

Fear

I cannot believe I am saying this, but we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...FINALLY! This has been a long, very hard journey dating back to 2012. There were days when I wondered if this adoption would ever happen. Days where no end was in sight. But I can see it now, it's so close and I want to charge out this tunnel and straight to China to scoop up our boy.

We are still going through a few steps of this process (step # 1,546...just kidding, but really), but it looks like we will be traveling anywhere between mid October and early November. Do you know how soon that will be here? Like really soon, although not soon enough! My vision of having all 4 of my kids in front of the Christmas tree, it's going to happen y'all! I mean Hobby Lobby has already put out Christmas decor. It's getting real up in here! I cannot tell you how excited I am! But, I may also be freaking out a little bit.

Christmas in August at Hobby Lobby

I think freak out is normal for the most part. I am fairly certain I did it with all 3 of my biological kids as we neared delivery. As you get closer you start stressing over everything you have to get done before the baby gets here and how you will handle life once they arrive. Nesting makes you a crazy woman!

Right now we are handling the logistics of Maverick's arrival. We transitioned the kids into a boy's and girl's room and Evan built a new bunk bed. The boys room is getting a cute camping theme and an awesome mural on the wall by my mom (pictures to come once it is finished). I am about to organize clothes and figure out how we will fit one more little person's clothing into our small closets. There are items that need to be bought like a new car seat for Maverick, items to bring to China, gifts for guides and orphanage workers, etc. Don't even mention the training that we still have to finish or the packing for 2 weeks in a foreign country while also prepping for my 3 littles that will be staying behind. 

I've had 3 kids, so you would think that this getting ready for another one would be a breeze, but somehow, my list continues to grow as does my anxiety. Will we get it all done in time? My sweet husband keeps reminding me, "just one step at a time." I've said it before, but God knew what he was doing when he paired me with that wonderful man. He balances me out and keeps me mostly sane. And the answer, yes, we will get it done, sometimes it's just hard to convince myself of that.

Last week, my anxiety was more in the form of fearing attachment or lack of attachment with Maverick. I started to think of what our family day would look like when we meet and hold him for the first time. As a 3 year old, I can only imagine how Savannah would act if she was handed over to some strangers who looked different, talked different and smelled different than her and was left with them. It would not be good! My stomach was in knots as I visualized what this meeting could potentially look like between all of us. Thinking about the pain he will feel as his world is ripped apart, the only world he knows. Thinking of how I just want to comfort him, but I don't even really know him. How we have loved him and prayed for him from afar for so many years, and how we will be total strangers to him in that moment.

I made myself sick over worrying about if he will like us, if I will still feel all the warm fuzzy feelings I have felt looking at his picture and videos from afar. The reality is, that may or may not be the case. You can truly never know what to expect until you are there. Some kids do well, some do not. Some people have that immediate connection with their child, and some do not. I am realizing it is best to go in with the expectation that this will be hard, and if it goes well, then what a pleasant surprise. 

I believe that Satan was using fear as a distraction. The work that God laid on our hearts will be coming to fruition soon. Maverick will not be an orphan for much longer. He will be with a family who loves him deeply and points him toward the only true source of love, Jesus. What a threat to the enemy. That fear was starting to get the best of me and making me wonder if we are capable of this. Of course, I would never back out, but my confidence was being shot down big time. I soon realized, that was because I was putting confidence in myself, rather than in my Lord. The honest truth is that we cannot do this on our own. God will TOTALLY give us more than we can handle. He wants us to lean into Him as our source of strength.

Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Philippians 1:16 says "Being CONFIDENT in this, that HE who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.:

I KNOW that this is His work in us and through us to bring Maverick into our family, There has been no doubt since we started this, that God has led us here. There have been too many confirmations in the midst of these hills and valleys. I know that He will continue to walk this out with us, as we soon move to this next step and start our lives with Maverick.

The other day I read this devotional from She Reads Truth. It was a good reminder to me that even if this is hard (and it will be), even if it does not go the way I hope, God is still good. He is still sovereign and we will still give Him glory and praise and walk out what He has called us to. What a privilege it is to be His hands and feet. May He continually humble me to remind me that this is not about me or what I am capable of, it is ALL about Him! 

After sharing how I was feeling with some sweet friends and with my husband and praying through my fears, I am happy to say that God is putting my heart at peace again. Granted, when they call and tell me we have travel approval and we start booking flights, I might pass out from sheer excitement and disbelief and a tinge of fear, but I know my God goes before me and He goes along with me. I will not let the enemy steal my joy. This has been a long time coming and I anticipate seeing all that God is going to do in our lives through bringing Maverick home...finally home!