It felt soooo good to be home and I felt like I was able to breathe again, at least for a day or two until reality set in. Seeing our other 3 kiddos after 2 weeks was the absolute best. Maverick now had automatic playmates after being with 2 adults in a hotel room for 2 weeks. He was more than excited! He needed playmates, as he is so very active! He walked around the entire house and backyard and just discovered everything there was to discover. The first thing he was intrigued by was the Mustang Power Wheels car. Today, it is still his favorite, even though he can't steer to save his life and just runs into everything at full speed...much like his personality!
The sibling relationships were hard at first. There were great moments and there were some really tough moments as all 4 kids learned to get used to one another. Honestly, there still are, but I am seeing bonds formed over time. Our youngest struggled the most as I think she had a pre-conceived idea of what he would be like and he wasn't a little snuggly baby, but a wild 3 year old who took over her place as baby in the family and took her toys. I am thankful to say that slowly, she is warming up to him. The big 2 kids have been so gracious and patient and kind with Maverick and truly taken him under their wing. It's a beautiful thing to watch. As I am typing this, I am watching all 4 of them run around the backyard laughing together. God is good and I look forward to seeing how these 4 will grow together throughout their lives.
Now here is where I am going to be brutally honest for a minute, because I think it is healthy and necessary to speak the truth, for myself and for other adoptive families who might be feeling the same way. The 2 weeks in China and the first 3 weeks home with Maverick were HARD! I will say that things actually did start to improve once we were home, but it was and still is a slow process. We did expect this. We did not walk into this naive, however knowing these things and going through them are very different,
We know that Maverick was in survival mode in China and acting out because he just had his world rocked, but we are also seeing aspects of his personality that are a little tough. We are learning how to navigate through those. The first couple of weeks, it was very hard to even be around him. There were sweet moments of course, but overall, it was rough. I loved him because I have loved him from the day that we started praying for him. But, it was very hard to like him most days and many days I just wanted to be away from him. He was difficult, rude, wild, hyper active, wouldn't sleep, combative, mischevious and manipulative. Honestly, he was simply displaying typical behaviors of a child coming from his situation, but I was having a really hard time dealing with them, especially on top of taking care of the other 3 children who were also adjusting. I couldn't get anything done and I felt useless, unproductive and mentally, emotionally and physically drained and dry.
I would end many days in tears, as would Maverick, and I felt like I was living moment by moment, just trying to make it to the next step. I was jealous of the other adoptive families who brought home sweet little quiet & compliant babies. I will say, that I have NEVER regretted adopting Maverick or doubted God's plan. In fact, I knew He was using it to refine me. I knew this was what God had for our family and I knew that Maverick was supposed to be my son, but that doesn't mean it was smooth sailing. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through thus far, aside from the waiting process, but this was full on action!
We weren't getting much sleep and the days dragged on as I watched the clock, waiting for Evan to walk in the door so that I could get a moment to take a few deep breaths, cry and pray in silence. I made sure to stay intentional with loving on him and establishing routines and being consistent (even though some days I just did not want to), as I knew this would pay off in time and y'all it REALLY has.
About a week ago, through sobs and desperation, I prayed out for God to change MY heart. You see, God has a way of revealing just how much sin we have in our hearts when he puts us through the fire. I saw ugly spilling out of me that I didn't even know was there and I did not like it. I knew that despite my circumstances, my JOY needed to come from HIM, Maverick needed a mama like that. I was not able to handle this, but God was! I prayed for him to give me HIS eyes and HIS heart specifically for Maverick. For me to look at him the same way that I do my other kids. For me to long to be with him and love him, not just go through the motions because I knew it needed to happen.
You guys, God hears! I literally felt a HUGE switch in my heart overnight. The next day, I woke up with so much love overflowing in my heart towards my son. I started seeing him as MINE, the way I do with my kids who I birthed and nurtured from the very beginning. I look at him with eyes filled with compassion and honestly, as my baby. I cannot explain the switch, except to say that God knew my heart and He answers prayers. Don't get me wrong, we still struggle and some days I still want to cry, but it is all filtered through the grace and love of the one who created this mama and Maverick. The love that I now have for this boy, I just CANNOT explain! Sometimes I hold him and stare into his eyes and stroke his little cheek and I am overwhelmed with the flood of emotions that I feel towards him. I am honored and so glad that God chose Evan and I to be his parents. We look forward to leading and loving him through life, hand in hand, nurturing his little heart and pointing him towards the Father. Seriously, thank you Lord!
Looking back to where we were a month ago, I cannot believe how much progress he has made. Sometimes that is hard to remember in the day to day, but wow, big improvements y'all! He blows me away every day. He is so smart and learning so much. He is adjusting well to routine and praise the Lord, we are starting to get some sleep. I can tell he is developing a love for all of us, and that is mutual. He is understanding more and expressing himself so much better and in a healthy manner without breaking down crying and screaming every 5 minutes. He is learning some English words and using them appropriately, even without prompting. The other day, he said "Thank you Mama" after I gave him his food...I cried! He is hilarious and has a fun personality. He loves to dance, so he fits in perfectly in this family! He initiates prayer at the dinner table and wants snuggles from mama all of the time. He loves to curl up in my lap and look up at me when I sing to him. When he is hurt, he comes to us for comfort. He is trusting us more and more every day. He is also pretty dang adorable! Those eyes still have me and I could kiss his sweet face all day! God has just poured his grace out on all of us. He is doing a mighty work in Maverick and in us. It has been amazing to witness. He truly is a God of miracles!
We cannot wait to see how God continues to work, to mend and to heal. We pray that it continues to be all for HIS GLORY! Like I said before, we could not do this in our own power. This scripture has been so true in our lives as of late:
2 Corinthians 2:9
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
He is faithful and He is good! We are so grateful that he brought Maverick into our family.
When I look at this picture taken by my sweet friend, Amber, everything within me cries out praise to God! FAMILY...all 6 of us!
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