A Memorable Mother's Day

As you know, this past Sunday was Mother's Day. Every Mother's Day is special to me, but this one hit me hard. This was my first Mother's Day with Maverick in my arms, my first Mother's day with all 4 of my children presenting me with cards and gifts and shouting out in their munchkin voices "Happy Mother's Day!" A day to take time and reflect on the gift of motherhood. It's always adorable to see what they draw or say about me. Evan even made a video of the kids where he interviewed them about me. It was precious to watch and totally made me laugh. Kids say the darndest things, like that I remind them of Jesus only because I have long hair (Thank you, Dixie. I guess I better work on displaying more Christ like characteristics), that Maverick's favorite thing about me is hot dogs (We only eat hot dogs at birthday parties, and he loves birthday parties, so I'm guessing that is where his logic came in), that Savannah loves me because I make the "famous" meal of red beans, rice and sausage (I had no idea they were famous), and that Knox thinks I am beautiful and wants to go on an adventure with me (Way to go, Knox!). Seriously, they all said sweet things alongside the silly comments. It was a treasure of a video and I'm thankful for a husband who works hard to capture those memories for me.

Along with the gifts, stick figure cards and the sweet and funny sentiments that the kids shared about me on video, there was a moment on Sunday that cut me to the core and I wanted to share it with you. If you remember OUR VERY FIRST VIDEO that our friend, Matt, filmed for us in 2013, you might recognize the song in the background by the group, All Sons and Daughters called, "Called Me Higher." While we have had many songs apply to different parts of our adoption process and be "our song" for a given time frame, "Called Me Higher" is the one song that kind of encompasses our entire journey. Every time I hear it, I am brought back to the very beginning when we thought we were crazy but decided to step out in obedience with shaky hands and way too much paperwork and fundraising before us. It reminds me of the excitement and fear we felt, not truly realizing how long the journey to our son would actually be. It was a song that God laid on my heart to remind us to follow after him, even when it didn't make sense, to get out of our comfort zone and just obey. I have typed out the lyrics on this blog before, but I wanted to share them again.

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your presence

And I could just stay 

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where You will lead me Lord

Where you lead me

Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my Life

So let your mercy light the path before me

I hear that song from time to time now, but not as often anymore. But every time I do, I am reminded of God's tremendous faithfulness. That song represented trusting Him to bring this adoption to fruition, to trust that he would bring our son into our family at the right time. At that time, we were pursuing an adoption in Ethiopia, not even realizing the winding road with mountains and valleys that lie ahead, but God did. I would blare that song in my living room and in my car. It was my anthem and my cry to God. We wanted to go where HE led us. But, there were times during our journey where that song was too hard to sing, where I didn't want to sing it, because I did not understand where He was leading us and it hurt.

Fast forward to Mother's Day and we are sitting at church. Maverick likes to be held during worship, but many times he likes to walk from person to person that he knows and tell them hello. He's very social! For some reason, on this day, he wanted to be held tight the entire time and lay his head on my shoulder. I always treasure these moments because it is not often that he is still. It is a sweet time to remember just how fragile and little he is. How really, he is just a baby and still needs his mama to comfort him, especially because he never really had that before. I soak up these moments.

We are 3 songs into worship and suddenly I realize that the worship team is singing "Called Me Higher." It's the first time that I have heard it at church since we have been home with Maverick. Not only that, but it is Mother's Day and I am holding MY SON for the first Mother's Day ever. He is wrapped up in his Mama's arms, safe, loved, cherished. A giant wave of emotion rolled over me. Here I was in my church home, where we prayed so many times over him, where our church family prayed over us and even hosted a fundraiser to help bring him home and he was cradled here in my arms while God once again reminded me of his sovereignty and promises through this song, I tried to sing out, but I lost it. The sobs came hard and strong. Maverick felt my body shake and pulled back to look at me with his sweet big almond eyes. He looked at me with such concern. He whispered "Why Mommy cry?" I reassured him that Mommy was OK, but I just stared at him and tried to drink the moment in as the praise rolled down my face through my tears.

Evan happened to be preaching that morning, so he wasn't standing by us at worship and he didn't see my breakdown during the song. He came up to me later and said "I don't know how you handled holding him while that song was playing, it hit me hard." To which I replied "I didn't. I was a mess." He experienced something similar to what I did that morning, the reminder that God is good and faithful and will always provide when we give our "yes." That our son is in a family, our family. That after all the blood, sweat and tears, he was HERE, in our arms. He was with his Mama and Daddy and brother and sisters. He was in the midst of his church family. I will never forget that moment.

Psalm 68:6

God sets the lonely in families

Once we were home, I remembered the picture that I took last year on Mother's Day with my 4 kids in my lap, except Maverick was just a picture in a frame. At the time, it felt like he would never actually be in my arms. I wanted to retake that picture this year. I don't even have the words to describe the feelings that well up in my soul when I look at these 2 pictures side by side. That song, this picture, they are some of my Ebenezer stones, things to look back on and remember how God carried us through. How He's always there and He has always been there. He's always working, even when we don't see it or feel it. It might look different than how we first imagined, but it is good y'all, so good!

1 Samuel 7:12

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying "Thus far the LORD has helped us."

6 months Home

We're home 6 months now. I feel like I just wrote that last blog post titled, "One month home." A couple of weeks ago, my husband asked me if I was still blogging. In other words, he doesn't read my blog...thanks hon! ;) I told him that I hadn't in a long time. He encouraged me to start again, as he knows more than anything it is therapeutic for me. He was right. The truth is, I haven't made the time to sit and write, because there isn't much spare time. For most of us, the time is usually never just available, we have to make the time, schedule the time, be intentional about the time.

Staying home with the 4 kids, my days all start to blend together between home school and housework. My mind is a never ending reel of little children's voices all day... many times sweet, but lets be honest, most of the time it's whining and fighting among the siblings. This is just the stage of life we are at right now with a 6, 5 and two 4 year olds in a tiny house and together 24/7. That's ok, This is the life I have chosen and I really couldn't envision it any other way. I am blessed beyond measure! As someone once told me, "The days are long, but the years are short." I'm realizing that more and more lately, especially thanks to Facebook's "On this Day" posts. Thanks FB, you make me have baby fever and cry and laugh on a daily basis. 

I am also realizing more and more, that while I love being with my babies and pouring into them each day, I also need time for myself. I can easily forget that in order to pour out, I need to be filled up. For me, that means I need time in the Word and prayer, time with friends for fun, time with those who encourage and challenge me, time to be alone, time to do things I enjoy like write and read while I sip hot chai at my favorite coffee shop. I'm thankful that my husband recognizes that as well, and sends me for some alone time when I feel life getting a bit overwhelming. I'm learning to recognize when I can feel myself about to go crazy and I try to plan accordingly to get out...hence why I am writing this blog post. I must say, man it feels good to sit here and tap thoughts out on a keyboard, without a little one tugging at my shirt. That is where I am after 6 months, trying to figure out balance for myself as wife, mom and just Angie. But, you didn't come here to read about me, let's get to Mav!

He is doing phenomenal! Y'all, I really can't believe how far he has come in 6 months. He has blossomed so very much. His language, his ability to listen and understand, his adjustment to our family and routine, his self control. He's a different kid y'all, with all of the wonderful characteristics of Maverick, like his totally silly personality, his determination that he is capable to conquer anything in front of him, his super snuggle skills, his compassion when someone else is crying, I could go on and on. He is a darling and a stinker all at once. I'm not even kidding either, he gets cuter by the day! Some days are still hard and I don't expect everything to be perfect after 6 months, but everything feels more normal now. It feels like he has always been here. 

He has his upcoming cleft palate surgery in about a month. It turns out that he did have palate surgery in China when he was about a year, but the back part of it re-opened and that is why his palate still did not look quite right. We met with a cleft specialist team and they are confident in moving forward with the surgery. As his mama, I am a nervous wreck. We will spend one night in the ICU and 2 additional nights in the hospital. His arms will have to be restrained, as to not do any damage after the surgery. It will be followed by several weeks of a soft diet. I would be nervous with any of my children having to go through this, but with a child who has experienced trauma before, I am even more so. I am however thankful that this time around, he has a Mama and Daddy to comfort him after surgery. He'll start speech therapy in the fall. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for him (and me) as surgery approaches.

We recently celebrated his 4th birthday and he was in heaven. He got to have 2 parties, 1 at home (a "Gwinosaur" one, as he says) and 1 in Texas (An Airplane one) with family there. He sang himself Happy Birthday everyday for 3 weeks. I think he truly felt special and very excited. He remembers the birthday that we sent him in China, fondly. He LOVED opening gifts and would ask "That's for me?" and when we would say "yes" he would respond with a "YAY!" It was such a joy to celebrate his first birthday as a family. I loved doting on him and knowing that though we missed his first 3 birthdays, God willing, we have so many more to look forward to. A super special part of his birthday was receiving a video and gift in the mail from his foster brother, Joshua. He was so thrilled to open that gift. Of course he wanted to get on an airplane and fly to see Joshua right away. He doesn't quite understand why that is not a possibility in the moment. We are so very grateful to have a connection with such an awesome family, who adopted Joshua. We are making the effort to keep the boys connected as much as possible and hope to one day get them together in person again, despite the long distance between us. Those boys share a bond that he will never share with anyone else. 

While his birthday week was a  joyous one, it was also a somber one for Evan and I. We often thought of his birth family and what they must be feeling. What they felt the day he entered the world and they stared into those big dark eyes, how they felt when they discovered that he had cleft palate and realized that they likely could not care for him, how they felt leaving him soon after, hoping that he would get the care they couldn't provide, through the orphanage. Can you even imagine? My heart broke all over again for his mother. I know she must think of him often, but especially this time of year. I pray for peace for her. As Evan and I layed in bed and prayed over Maverick on his birthday night before we drifted off to sleep, He prayed words that pierced my heart so deeply. Words, that honestly, I had never even thought about until then. We have always prayed for peace for his birth mom, that somehow she would know he was ok and if she had any guilt, that she would experience forgiveness. But, my mighty man prayed that God would send someone to share the gospel with her, wherever she is. That she would accept Christ as her Lord and Savior, as would Maverick and that one day, Maverick and her would be reunited in Heaven. I am crying all over again just thinking about it. I pray with all my heart that one day that reunification can happen. All things made whole and new through Jesus! We also think about his foster mom, who poured so much love into him when we couldn't. We plan on trying to send her an update on him soon. I'm thankful that we are able to do that through our agency.

Overall, things are really good. Life is moving along and I am so thankful that we took that leap of faith and brought Maverick into our family. Honestly, I do not see us returning to China any time soon, as that trip was so hard, so so hard! It's going to take me a while to recover from that one. But, I find myself staring at pictures and watching videos of children waiting for families. I stayed up last night for a while searching for an update on one of the little ones that had tugged at my heart so hard, but had needs too great for our family to handle financially at the time. My heart is forever changed because of what I know and what I have seen. Because I have seen a little boy go from orphan to son. The difference that love, care, good nutrition and family makes is substantial. Those who have walked alongside us, can attest to this as well. God won't let me forget that and I don't ever want to. I can't wait to see how he continues to work in our family for his glory.

For now, I am so excited about supporting my friends, The Lomans, who are hosting a precious 5 year old girl with Down's Syndrome from China, this summer. Fu Yi will be living with them for one month and will be receiving some medical care while she is here. The Lomans are working hard to advocate for her and find her forever family. They are also doing fundraising in order to gift her family with a grant towards her adoption. I would love for you to follow her journey and pray about if YOU are her family or maybe someone you know is her family. Advocating for orphans is a crucial part of orphan care. Your support could help turn this precious girl from orphan to daughter. Hop on over to the Lomans FB page and see how you can get involved in Fu Yi's story.