Fear

I cannot believe I am saying this, but we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...FINALLY! This has been a long, very hard journey dating back to 2012. There were days when I wondered if this adoption would ever happen. Days where no end was in sight. But I can see it now, it's so close and I want to charge out this tunnel and straight to China to scoop up our boy.

We are still going through a few steps of this process (step # 1,546...just kidding, but really), but it looks like we will be traveling anywhere between mid October and early November. Do you know how soon that will be here? Like really soon, although not soon enough! My vision of having all 4 of my kids in front of the Christmas tree, it's going to happen y'all! I mean Hobby Lobby has already put out Christmas decor. It's getting real up in here! I cannot tell you how excited I am! But, I may also be freaking out a little bit.

Christmas in August at Hobby Lobby

I think freak out is normal for the most part. I am fairly certain I did it with all 3 of my biological kids as we neared delivery. As you get closer you start stressing over everything you have to get done before the baby gets here and how you will handle life once they arrive. Nesting makes you a crazy woman!

Right now we are handling the logistics of Maverick's arrival. We transitioned the kids into a boy's and girl's room and Evan built a new bunk bed. The boys room is getting a cute camping theme and an awesome mural on the wall by my mom (pictures to come once it is finished). I am about to organize clothes and figure out how we will fit one more little person's clothing into our small closets. There are items that need to be bought like a new car seat for Maverick, items to bring to China, gifts for guides and orphanage workers, etc. Don't even mention the training that we still have to finish or the packing for 2 weeks in a foreign country while also prepping for my 3 littles that will be staying behind. 

I've had 3 kids, so you would think that this getting ready for another one would be a breeze, but somehow, my list continues to grow as does my anxiety. Will we get it all done in time? My sweet husband keeps reminding me, "just one step at a time." I've said it before, but God knew what he was doing when he paired me with that wonderful man. He balances me out and keeps me mostly sane. And the answer, yes, we will get it done, sometimes it's just hard to convince myself of that.

Last week, my anxiety was more in the form of fearing attachment or lack of attachment with Maverick. I started to think of what our family day would look like when we meet and hold him for the first time. As a 3 year old, I can only imagine how Savannah would act if she was handed over to some strangers who looked different, talked different and smelled different than her and was left with them. It would not be good! My stomach was in knots as I visualized what this meeting could potentially look like between all of us. Thinking about the pain he will feel as his world is ripped apart, the only world he knows. Thinking of how I just want to comfort him, but I don't even really know him. How we have loved him and prayed for him from afar for so many years, and how we will be total strangers to him in that moment.

I made myself sick over worrying about if he will like us, if I will still feel all the warm fuzzy feelings I have felt looking at his picture and videos from afar. The reality is, that may or may not be the case. You can truly never know what to expect until you are there. Some kids do well, some do not. Some people have that immediate connection with their child, and some do not. I am realizing it is best to go in with the expectation that this will be hard, and if it goes well, then what a pleasant surprise. 

I believe that Satan was using fear as a distraction. The work that God laid on our hearts will be coming to fruition soon. Maverick will not be an orphan for much longer. He will be with a family who loves him deeply and points him toward the only true source of love, Jesus. What a threat to the enemy. That fear was starting to get the best of me and making me wonder if we are capable of this. Of course, I would never back out, but my confidence was being shot down big time. I soon realized, that was because I was putting confidence in myself, rather than in my Lord. The honest truth is that we cannot do this on our own. God will TOTALLY give us more than we can handle. He wants us to lean into Him as our source of strength.

Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Philippians 1:16 says "Being CONFIDENT in this, that HE who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.:

I KNOW that this is His work in us and through us to bring Maverick into our family, There has been no doubt since we started this, that God has led us here. There have been too many confirmations in the midst of these hills and valleys. I know that He will continue to walk this out with us, as we soon move to this next step and start our lives with Maverick.

The other day I read this devotional from She Reads Truth. It was a good reminder to me that even if this is hard (and it will be), even if it does not go the way I hope, God is still good. He is still sovereign and we will still give Him glory and praise and walk out what He has called us to. What a privilege it is to be His hands and feet. May He continually humble me to remind me that this is not about me or what I am capable of, it is ALL about Him! 

After sharing how I was feeling with some sweet friends and with my husband and praying through my fears, I am happy to say that God is putting my heart at peace again. Granted, when they call and tell me we have travel approval and we start booking flights, I might pass out from sheer excitement and disbelief and a tinge of fear, but I know my God goes before me and He goes along with me. I will not let the enemy steal my joy. This has been a long time coming and I anticipate seeing all that God is going to do in our lives through bringing Maverick home...finally home!