Fear

I cannot believe I am saying this, but we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...FINALLY! This has been a long, very hard journey dating back to 2012. There were days when I wondered if this adoption would ever happen. Days where no end was in sight. But I can see it now, it's so close and I want to charge out this tunnel and straight to China to scoop up our boy.

We are still going through a few steps of this process (step # 1,546...just kidding, but really), but it looks like we will be traveling anywhere between mid October and early November. Do you know how soon that will be here? Like really soon, although not soon enough! My vision of having all 4 of my kids in front of the Christmas tree, it's going to happen y'all! I mean Hobby Lobby has already put out Christmas decor. It's getting real up in here! I cannot tell you how excited I am! But, I may also be freaking out a little bit.

Christmas in August at Hobby Lobby

I think freak out is normal for the most part. I am fairly certain I did it with all 3 of my biological kids as we neared delivery. As you get closer you start stressing over everything you have to get done before the baby gets here and how you will handle life once they arrive. Nesting makes you a crazy woman!

Right now we are handling the logistics of Maverick's arrival. We transitioned the kids into a boy's and girl's room and Evan built a new bunk bed. The boys room is getting a cute camping theme and an awesome mural on the wall by my mom (pictures to come once it is finished). I am about to organize clothes and figure out how we will fit one more little person's clothing into our small closets. There are items that need to be bought like a new car seat for Maverick, items to bring to China, gifts for guides and orphanage workers, etc. Don't even mention the training that we still have to finish or the packing for 2 weeks in a foreign country while also prepping for my 3 littles that will be staying behind. 

I've had 3 kids, so you would think that this getting ready for another one would be a breeze, but somehow, my list continues to grow as does my anxiety. Will we get it all done in time? My sweet husband keeps reminding me, "just one step at a time." I've said it before, but God knew what he was doing when he paired me with that wonderful man. He balances me out and keeps me mostly sane. And the answer, yes, we will get it done, sometimes it's just hard to convince myself of that.

Last week, my anxiety was more in the form of fearing attachment or lack of attachment with Maverick. I started to think of what our family day would look like when we meet and hold him for the first time. As a 3 year old, I can only imagine how Savannah would act if she was handed over to some strangers who looked different, talked different and smelled different than her and was left with them. It would not be good! My stomach was in knots as I visualized what this meeting could potentially look like between all of us. Thinking about the pain he will feel as his world is ripped apart, the only world he knows. Thinking of how I just want to comfort him, but I don't even really know him. How we have loved him and prayed for him from afar for so many years, and how we will be total strangers to him in that moment.

I made myself sick over worrying about if he will like us, if I will still feel all the warm fuzzy feelings I have felt looking at his picture and videos from afar. The reality is, that may or may not be the case. You can truly never know what to expect until you are there. Some kids do well, some do not. Some people have that immediate connection with their child, and some do not. I am realizing it is best to go in with the expectation that this will be hard, and if it goes well, then what a pleasant surprise. 

I believe that Satan was using fear as a distraction. The work that God laid on our hearts will be coming to fruition soon. Maverick will not be an orphan for much longer. He will be with a family who loves him deeply and points him toward the only true source of love, Jesus. What a threat to the enemy. That fear was starting to get the best of me and making me wonder if we are capable of this. Of course, I would never back out, but my confidence was being shot down big time. I soon realized, that was because I was putting confidence in myself, rather than in my Lord. The honest truth is that we cannot do this on our own. God will TOTALLY give us more than we can handle. He wants us to lean into Him as our source of strength.

Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Philippians 1:16 says "Being CONFIDENT in this, that HE who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.:

I KNOW that this is His work in us and through us to bring Maverick into our family, There has been no doubt since we started this, that God has led us here. There have been too many confirmations in the midst of these hills and valleys. I know that He will continue to walk this out with us, as we soon move to this next step and start our lives with Maverick.

The other day I read this devotional from She Reads Truth. It was a good reminder to me that even if this is hard (and it will be), even if it does not go the way I hope, God is still good. He is still sovereign and we will still give Him glory and praise and walk out what He has called us to. What a privilege it is to be His hands and feet. May He continually humble me to remind me that this is not about me or what I am capable of, it is ALL about Him! 

After sharing how I was feeling with some sweet friends and with my husband and praying through my fears, I am happy to say that God is putting my heart at peace again. Granted, when they call and tell me we have travel approval and we start booking flights, I might pass out from sheer excitement and disbelief and a tinge of fear, but I know my God goes before me and He goes along with me. I will not let the enemy steal my joy. This has been a long time coming and I anticipate seeing all that God is going to do in our lives through bringing Maverick home...finally home! 

A Brother, A Friend

I cannot believe that we are getting so close. Last week we received our soft LOA and we are currently waiting for our hard LOA to arrive in the mail. That should happen any day now and from there, we have 8-10 weeks before we are issued travel approval and can book flights to China. So much is happening right now!

We recently participated in a travel seminar to prep us for the trip, we are currently completing our last 9 hour training on post adoption issues, we are building a new set of bunk beds in order to get the rooms ready, we have turned in our final 10 update questions on Maverick and are waiting for those to come back along with the last pictures we will receive from his foster family. My head is swirling in a million different directions as I think about all that needs to be done before we leave. The reality of it is sinking in and making me excited and a little nervous all at the same time.

Last week, when we submitted our final 10 questions, I asked my case worker if we could find out any information about Maverick's foster brother. I had thought about him a lot since we learned that Maverick had a foster brother back in April when we received an update and the birthday video.  I felt this heavy burden on my heart to find out more about this child as I thought about how Maverick would be leaving him. I wanted to have access to his information in case we ever decided to go back and adopt or at least his name to give to Maverick one day. I was told on Tuesday that they found out that his foster brother was actually matched with a family who was adopting him very soon! This made my heart happy to know this little sweetie was also going to have a family. I had no clue who the family was, where they were from, when their adoption would be complete or what agency they were with.

I decided to try to do a little searching to see if I could find the family who would be adopting him. I am on a FB page with other adoptive families who are all adopting or have adopted from the same Children's Welfare Institute. I decided to post a picture of Maverick and his foster brother to see if anyone recognized him, explaining that I would love to have the boys be able to keep in touch since they were so close. After a few hours, I had no response and decided to scroll through the feed on that particular page. I came to a picture that I had liked the day before of a mom, dad and son on their gotcha day. The picture was from a distance and I could only see a portion of the child, but something in my gut told me this was Maverick's foster brother. I looked a little closer and noticed a few distinct details that I had noticed about him from the birthday video we received of Maverick back in April.

So, I took a chance and sent a message to the family, who happen to be in China right now completing their adoption. Turns out, YES, their son, who they just adopted Monday, is Maverick's foster brother. All of the emotions came flooding into me as I realized what this meant. These boys who were best friends for a year and a half and have experienced so much together, were going to be able to keep in touch once they were home in America. Had God not prompted me to dig a little and post that particular day, or look back at that picture, we may have never known. It was all a God thing!

The family has responded and they are so kind and just as excited. They even had pictures of their son and Maverick together and paperwork that said the boys were best friends. They sent the picture over to me and I sent them the birthday videos that their son is in with Mav. We are all so thrilled for this connection and hope to one day bring the boys back together. We do live far away from one another, but plan on skyping once Maverick is home.

Please pray for both of these sweet boys as one is adjusting to life with a new family and one waits for his new family. I am sure there is going to be moments of sadness as the boys realize they are not together anymore, but what a joy to know that they will be reconnected with one another very soon!

The family also told me that it seemed like the boys were well taken care of and their foster mother seems to be one of the best. That was so good to hear as I anxiously wait to go get Maverick. One of my prayers has always been that he is in a good family who truly cares for him. I can only assume she is preparing him for our arrival.

I am always amazed at how God works out little details and continues to unfold this story in such a beautiful way. I am thankful to know that we now have another piece of Maverick's story to share with him, a precious little friend, who shares a bond and a history with him that no one else ever will. What a gift!

This is the picture that the family sent me of the boys (Out of privacy and respect for the other family, I have cropped the image).. These boys really do love one another. They seem to have been together all the time. Just makes my mama heart so happy! Also, note that the boys are the same age, which shows just how tiny our little Maverick is.