Life on paper

Sometimes I feel like we are a lifetime away from meeting our son, and bringing him home. Some days I am ok with that, as it gives my bio littles time to become more independent and sometimes, I just want him here NOW doing all of our family activities with us. I know this journey is all in God's timing. We are only 4 months into the process and still probably have over 2 1/2 years to go. It is hard sometimes as we talk about him all the time, pray for him, envision him in the grocery basket as we do our shopping, think about he and Knox sharing a room and so on.

One thing that helps me tremendously is journaling. I have always been a journaler. I love writing down my emotions, my fear, my joys, my prayers. There is something about putting the words of my life on paper. I keep a journal to each one of my kids. I write about their stages of life, my love for them, my struggles with them, etc. I always think about if something were to happen to me one day, how they will have a piece of me to look back on time and time again.

I started a journal to our adopted son before God had even changed Evan's heart about adoption, because I just KNEW he would. I wanted to be able to let him know what I am thinking through the process, how much I already love him and that even though he is not here with us physically, he is here with us in our hearts and prayers. Not knowing how old he will be, there will be some time that I will not be with him to document about his life. His baby book will not be as filled as my bio kids books are, with every detail about their first coo, smile, etc. But, I look forward to one day handing him his journal and letting him know that even while we were apart, we were together in some ways. That before he even thought about me, I was thinking about and loving him.

It reminds me of how God felt about me before I even knew him. He knew my name and everything about me before I ever acknowledged that he was my father. Even when I tried to deny him, he displayed his love in the most sacrificing way possible, death. He left me a story/journal too, the most amazing love story ever written. The story of how he came to rescue me from a fallen world and that once I accepted what he had done and called him daddy, that I was in his forever family. My journaling and my love will never compare to that of God's for me, but I hope that it shows my son a glimpse of the kind of love we have for him.

1 John 4:19 "We love him because he first loved us."

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

 Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born, I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

Ephesians 1: 4-5 "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will."