Thankful in the Tough Stuff

I have been an emotional mess lately. When we started this process over a year ago, I knew it would be hard, but I never anticipated it being this emotionally draining. I never anticipated being so high on a wait list and moving 1 spot in 4 months. Now, we were warned that things would not likely go as planned, but I guess I thought they would go at least a little closer to my plan. Silly me!

It seems as if there is no end in sight some days. I am fine waiting for 2 or 3 years if progress was being made. But with nothing happening lately in the referral department, I can't help but be upset and confused about if we took the right path. There is nothing we can do, nothing our agency can do. It lies in the hands of a foreign government and that is frustrating my friends!

Yesterday was one of those days, one of those days where I could not help but let the emotions run out of my tear ducts. My whole body ached and I felt like I was coming down with the flu because honestly, I am exhausted. Exhausted emotionally, exhausted mentally and sometimes exhausted spiritually. We KNOW God called us to adoption and we KNOW He is pruning us through this process but oh my it is tough.

I sat at the kitchen table last night with my husband, my face in my hands and just cried. Cried because I feel so helpless, so confused, so unsure about our direction. My husband, gentle and reassuring, looked at me with compassion and said, "We are ok. We have so much to be thankful for. We aren't the ones having to decide if we should give our child up for adoption or not, we are the ones who are alive and healthy wanting to adopt." That man, he always knows just what to say. He calms me! He was so right. Shout out to God for blessing me with a husband who knows how to handle me and speaks TRUTH to my weary heart.

Adoption comes from such a place of heartache and despair. The birth parents, the children, they are the ones who truly go through the trenches. I am not saying that I do not have the right to feel what I am feeling, because this is seriously the hardest thing I have EVER been through and I know our deep trenches will come when our child is home and we are dealing with the ramifications of the past! But, sometimes I get so wrapped up in how I am feeling that I forget to be thankful, even for this situation that we are in today.

Today, I am not having to decide if I should give my child up because I cannot afford to take care of them, today I am not on my death bed with HIV saying goodbye to my children, today I am not jumping from foster home to foster home praying for stability and love, today I am not enduring abuse or neglect or malnutrition. Today, I am simply waiting to love on someone who may be going through those situations themselves or seeing their parents go through them in some form or another.

I opened up Jesus Calling today and read this:

"Casually despising my sovereignty"...ouch! I know God is sovereign and his timing and plan will prevail, but I am guilty of this one peeps!

While my emotions are running high because we are trying to seek direction and guidance from HIM and that is HARD sometimes, I am thankful! I am thankful because I know my God is faithful! He will give us peace, he will guide our steps, he will place the child who needs to be in our home, in our home. I cannot imagine going through this or any other hard place in life without God. My relationship with him is what I cling to in times like this.

Hebrews 6:19 says:
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

I know that no matter what, no matter how this adoption turns out, my hope is in the Lord and I want to glorify him despite circumstance and emotion.  I am firm and secure in knowing that as we continue to seek him for direction, HE IS THERE. I cannot promise that I won't have any more emotional melt downs. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that I will. Oh, this road ahead is still so long. But,  I know He holds every tear drop in his hands (Psalm 56:8), and some days, I am just thankful for being able to cry and release some of these emotions I am feeling.

Today, I am choosing to be thankful. Thankful that he called us to adoption, thankful that he is growing and changing my heart to look more like his, thankful that I have to be fully dependent on him because there is no way I could make it through this without him (and my husband). Being thankful is a choice, one that I have to sometimes sit and ponder on, but when I focus on the gratitude, my perspective changes and joy wells up inside.

So, what about you? What are you thankful for?