Heart Shaped Sprinkle Pancakes

As I laid out 3 little hearts with my kid's names on them and a small treat for them to open Valentines morning, and as I plated up heart shaped pancakes with sprinkles, I felt an ache. I wondered how many more Valentines will pass before our 4th child will be at the table, smiling and laughing with his siblings as syrup makes a sticky mess across his face. When will I get to write his name on a little foam heart? I am cherishing the moments that I have with my kids now, watching them grow right before my eyes, each moment precious and passing. I know that God has us as a family of 5 for this season for a reason. I especially remember that when my littlest is screaming for me to hold her ALL DAY and the big two are fighting. But there is an evident ache, a void, a piece of my heart that is waiting for our 4th child.

Dixie asks me "When are we going to Ethiopia to get brother?", Knox points it out on the globe. They pray over brother at night. I look around sometimes and I count my kids because someone is clearly missing,  1...2...3... They are all here. I am not going crazy...maybe I am! Then I realize, it is him, my heart already considers him one of my kids. 

While this adoption is not about me or Evan or how long we have to WAIT for a child, some days it is hard. Hard to think where he is, what he is going through, how much I want to show him unconditional love and security. It's hard because as a mom, you naturally just want to give those things to your child and right now, I just can't.

Despite the wait, I am glad that God continues to put this compassion, desire and love in my heart for our boy now. That with time, the ache grows deeper and deeper as I become closer to becoming his mother and him my son. All I have to offer at this point are my prayers to God on behalf of our child and on behalf of my aching heart. I can offer my willingness to lay aside my expectations on what this adoption should look like and just trust God's timing. He has a plan, he has a purpose. He sees our boy and he knows. He knows right where he is, exactly what he is facing and he loves him more than I ever could. He continues to grow this mama's heart, to make me realize that even though I ache, he can fill my ache, even though I cry, he can dry my tears, even when I love, he can make me love deeper. Now that is something worth celebrating...perhaps with some heart shaped sprinkle pancakes:)


Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens."

Isaiah 55:9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."