For his heart

Lately, my heart has been so heavy for Maverick. He doesn't know it yet, but my heart is already connected to his all the way around the world. He is my son, and the thought of any hurt or pain coming his way makes this mama's heart hurt too. Yes,  I am deeply aching for and ready to have him home and here with us, but, I cannot stop thinking about how hard this transition of coming into our family may be on him in the coming months. Can you even imagine? Being pulled from everything you have ever known, your language,  your home, your culture, your care givers, your country, your playmates, etc. All the while, you are handed over to complete strangers who look nothing like you and speak a language that you don't understand and you are expected to just go with them. I CAN'T EVEN!!!

Obviously, this is a necessary part of the adoption process. This heart wrenching reality has to play out in order for Maverick to become part of our family, to be an orphan no longer. I long for the day when they hand him over to me. The first time I wrap my arms around him, the first time I kiss his face and sing our favorite lullaby, "Baby Mine" in his ear. There is no way to know how he will react, as every child is different. He may come willingly, he may scream and cry until he goes limp from exhaustion, he may try to get away, he may look around confused but calm, he may rest his head on my shoulder as I rock him back and forth. I will not go in with expectations of how I think he will react. I have to prepare my heart for the unexpected, knowing that his world will be turned upside down in an instant. Knowing that all that we can do as parents is to be there and love him as he hurts, and do whatever we can to let him know that he can trust us. 

I have replayed this day in my mind over and over, thinking about how we will feel, how it could potentially look, but most of all, I think about my boy's heart. Not just in that moment, but over the weeks and months that follow. We will love him well and love him with all that we are, but love isn't always enough. You know who is always enough though, my God! He is enough to heal and restore the brokenness and confusion that our boy may feel. He is enough to calm the fear and hurt. He is enough to pour out grace upon grace on Evan and I as we embrace this sweet boy into our family and learn how to do life with him, how to be his parents. 

Because He is enough, I know that I can turn to him with any burdens I have, and so I am. I am praying for our little Mav's heart now, for God to begin to prepare him to leave what he has known and step into our life, his new life. For him to be comforted and for him to be able to attach to us and trust us. For him to grow to love us as much as we love him.

We have about 6 months until we meet Maverick face to face. I know my nerves and emotions will be all over the place as we get closer. In the mean time, this mama is on her knees 7,682 miles away from her baby boy calling out to the one who sees us both, who knows us both, who created us both and who loves us both. I am so thankful for such a loving Father who carries my burdens for me when I am overwhelmed with what ifs and hard realities.  Psalm 55:22 says "Cast your burdens on the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." What a sweet balm to my sometimes weary soul to know that I am not alone in this, Maverick is not alone is this either. 

My God sees, he hears my prayers, he knows my heart and he knows Maverick's too. He doesn't want either of us to be filled with anxiety or fear, he wants us to give it over to Him, and so I am trying. Trying to trust that he is holding Maverick in the palm of his hand and preparing that sweet little man of mine for such a big journey ahead. As I trust and cast these burdens off day by day, moment by moment, I hope that sweet boy will get a sense of that and find comfort in a mama who seeks God's unending faithfulness, even when times are tough and scary and unknown. 

If you have been faithful to pray for our son, may I ask that you join us in prayer over this next season. Will you pray for peace for our little one, for all of the crazy emotions that he will feel, for him to trust and attach to us in a healthy manner, for the days leading up to our gotcha day. I so appreciate it friends. It is encouraging to know that many of you will be praying over Maverick's little heart as he prepares for this huge change.

Psalm 23 always brings a sense of peace to me when I read it. It makes me take a deep breathe in and as I breathe out, release any anxiety, fear and worry that I may have. This is the verse I think of when I pray for peace to just pour out over Maverick (and if I am honest, Evan and I too).